1,352,630 Seconds Later...

Here we are 1,352,630 seconds later and my world is shattered. But I don't feel shattered, I feel hopeful. I feel peaceful. I feel ready to find myself in this mess that's been made of our lives. Most of all, I feel you. Even when I don't feel you I know you're here and I know that you hear me. Christmas is just three days away and I know that's when it'll hit me. Right now it feels like you are in Calgary or you are at home or just simply that you are not here. I can't shake the feeling that you'll be home for Christmas. Last Christmas nothing was wrong. That's almost impossible to believe. Last Christmas you nervously gave me a mint green bag that you hoped I wouldn't hate. I remember feeling like that gift was something really special and I guess it was.

This year when you look around the room during what are usually the most special few days of the year, notice your person. You know, the one who you sit beside at dinner, the one who gets matching Christmas Eve PJ's with you. Your person. Whether it be your sister or your cousin or whoever. Notice them and appreciate that they are right there next to you. Because this year mine won't be. Because 16 days ago, I lost her and just one year ago nothing was wrong.

Robin

Robin. Robinia. Orbin. Bird Food, Auntie Obbie. Rockin' Robin, Robbie our Hero. The most kind, the most thoughtful, the most loved. Robbie was born into our family on June 30, 1987 to our parents Ryk and April Ryce. She became our number 3.  When she was born we lived in a little logging town called Youbou where she spent her days watering flowers and dodging logging trucks in her diaper with her soother trailing not far behind. She was never without at least five bags full of doll accessories, "important papers" and God knows what else... Which ironically she never outgrew (besides the doll clothes). When Robin was two, we made our move over to the infamous oceanside home on Rumble Road. That is where Rockin' Robin fell in love with the ocean and everything that came with it. She especially loved turning over rocks to find crabs and making "crab dust". Along with her love of crabs, Robin had a "love" of cats and all living things. Picture two year old Robbie dragging around our poor kitty Toby- literally- by the neck, soother in mouth, "Hey! Look! I gots Toby!" Poor Toby later died of a heart defect. Wonder why.

Two weeks before Robin's 6th birthday she became an auntie for the first (and certainly not the last) time to her niece Mariah. She did not expect this baby girl to be born and steal her spotlight (and her cherished blankie)  but in true Robin fashion she gracefully accepted all of the responsibilities that came with being an aunt. One after another the nieces and nephews came... Elijah, Jaidah, Lainah, Anabella, Jaiden, Jax and Brody. Robin didn't care if they were blood, chosen, blue or green, she accepted all children as her own nieces and nephews. "Auntie Robbie" became one of the biggest parts of Robin's identity.

By age 10, Robin and our cousin Emily (with Mariah never far behind) had developed quite the obsession with the Spice Girls. Mariah will always remember hiding in the field of the next door neighbours unfinished house singing "Stop!" by the Spice Girls. The fight over who got to be Baby Spice never ended. They would trek into the woods near the house and explore the trails with all of the Rumble Road crew, no matter how scary it got and no matter how many times they were reminded of the Blair Witch Project. Water fights and sledding were among Robin's favorite activities. Robin the entrepreneur started her own business "Kids Inc." around age 11 with her cousin Emily, going door to door with homemade items such as bookmarks and "designer" pens (which by the way ended up costing our parents a small fortune) nevertheless Robin and Emily were quite proud of their success.

Robin was always a social butterfly as a child but never the mean girl. She has always been kind, caring and non-judgmental. Those traits carried on into her teenage and young adult years. She made so many friends and so genuinely loved all of them. In fact, most of them are here in this room and some have become family to us. 

In her teenage years, Robin developed a little bit of a rebellious streak but she never had the heart to be a real bad girl. She always remembered how important family is and how to stay grounded during those turbulent times. Her 16th birthday extravaganza that I'm sure some of you still remember led to her living with Tracy's (my) family for a full year which also included a little grounding, one window escape and a whole lot of really great quality time. Those rebellious years were a trying time but it led Robin into a life of gratitude and wisdom beyond her years.

Robin was always the first one to lend a helping hand in any situation. There is nothing she loved more than being thrown into the midst of cooking dinner, planning a party, or starting the clean up crew with the kids. One of the biggest struggles when she was unwell was her constant need to be the hostess with the mostess. Even near the end when her friends would come over she would be sure to ask us to set out some appy's for them like it was a party every time or make sure they stayed for dinner whether they wanted to or not. She took after her sister Tracy in many ways but on the home front especially. She loved to cook and make a home, something as simple as putting up a new picture or wall saying would produce the biggest Robbie smile. Her most infamous dishes included our mom's curry chicken and Tracy's revamped mushroom cap recipe and her love of Christmas and the holiday season was forcefully passed on to all of her best friends. Luckily, Robin outgrew her cat strangling phase and grew up to be an incredible cat mama. She wholeheartedly loved all of her babies as if she were their real mama. When she lost her beloved cat Chico, her world fell apart but it brightened once again when she found her newest babies Millie, Milo and Mia...and Lincoln, Abby and Poppy who she rescued along with her three and found loving homes. Anyone who knows Robin will know that she was an animal person, and more importantly a rescuer. Any wounded mouse, bird, frog that came to her door step either willingly or via cat, she took in and nursed back to life. If they were not one of the lucky one, the survivors they were given a proper burial every single time.

The special thing about Robbie (besides everything) was her ability to make everyone feel loved and accepted. She never came across judgmental and she always made you feel like you had a place in this world. She was always the first to help a friend in need or even a friend in tragedy and guide anyone who needed it back on the right path.

When she left us, we struggled with whether or not to include her diagnosis and cancer journey on this day.  But quickly we knew that as cancer is a reality, it was her reality and became our heart-breaking reality.  When she received her first diagnosis, my family and I relocated to Duncan to be close to her.  Cancer was a scary, uncontrollable, life changer for our girl and she needed all of us.   She faced each day, each new debilitating challenge with courage.  On her hardest and most painful days, she would rarely complain, and somehow found it in her heart to wake up each day with the spirit of survival.   I personally had the privilege to spend most of my time with her through these past months.  I was with her on that fateful day, the day of her second and final diagnosis and I was fortunate to spend an amazing amount of quality time with Robbie until her final breath.  She might have been the baby sister and we might have been strong for her throughout her life, but it turns out that in reality, the baby sister was indeed the strongest sister.  Cancer took her away from our day to day, it took her body, it took her future here on earth, but it NEVER got her spirit.

Robin. We will see you. We will hear you. We will feel you, in so many ways. We will hear your signs in owls and we will see you in beautiful sunsets following a gloomy day and shooting stars. We feel you every second of the day and there is no doubt in our minds that the beautiful angel you have become is with us every single day. 

My sweet, sweet, beautiful baby sister....we will CELEBRATE the 27 beautiful, cherished years we were blessed to have you here on earth as our little sister. 

We will learn from your wise-beyond-your-years wisdom and life lessons

We will laugh thinking of our endless memories with you

We will smile when I think of your smile

We will always think "What would Robbie do" when in confusion

We will write through our heartache

We will lead by your example

We will choose forgiveness instead of anger

We will cry when it hurts and laugh when it doesn't

I will wrap my arms & love around our Anabella, Jaidie, Lainy, Riah, Lijah, Jaiden, Brody & Jax so much that they feel YOU

We will remember your bravery every day

I will wipe away everyone's tears

I will remind everyone when to smile

We will dance with our babies in the kitchen when a "You" song comes on

We will sing your songs in the car

I will hug Anabella when I miss you

We will love you forever

We will miss you for always

We will see you in everything every day.

We will LIVE.

We will see you in heaven one day my sweet girl.

We are inspired by you. We will help others for you.  We love you. We miss you. We are so, so, so proud of you baby sister. We will move mountains for you. We will make you proud. We applaud you...no, not just applaud you, we give you a standing ovation.

Day one. I love you.

This is my first day ever on earth without her. Cancer took my best friend, my auntie/sister and only then did I realize that I don't know how to live without her. She is my favorite person in the entire world and there will never be anything more painful, heartbreaking and lonely than this for me. I've spent every day of the past 21 years 5 months and 23 days next to her or at least knowing she was here. Most people have probably never even seen me without her. She didn't want to leave and she shouldn't have had to but when she did it was so beautiful and peaceful. If I know one thing about my Auntie Robbie it's that she never stopped protecting me and she never will. She would never leave me. I begged her to stay with me and I know she doesn't have the heart to ever really leave us. I know you all have kind words and heartbreak too. Heartbreak for our family, for Robbie and for your own loss. We are not okay but she is with us. I am at peace but I am broken. She'll never truly leave but I'll never be the same. Let who she was change you and make you better. It's all you can do. And LOVE each other like Auntie Robbie would, unconditionally and whole-heartedly.

Robbie, I could never thank you enough for 21 years. Thank you for being my auntie first. Thank you for always worrying about me and protecting me. Thank you for being my person. Thank you for loving me even when I gave you reasons not to. I wish you had been here with me for this but thank you for teaching me what strength is if I have to do this without you. I love you.. Stay with me.

"You can hear it in the silence
You can feel it on the way home
You can see it with the lights out
You are in love, true love"