11:11

This year has already been full of "one year anniversaries" regarding Robin's sickness. One year since she was diagnosed. One year since her last birthday. One year since we went tubing down the river as a family. One year since we thought we were in the clear. I am constantly reminded. As we come up on the worst "one year anniversaries", almost at the worst one yet, I am reminded that my aunt is an angel who doesn't leave my side and that she knows I still need her to be with me. She isn't gone, I just can't see her. A little while back, some of my family and our friends posted these links on Facebook about spirituality and the meaning of seeing 11:11, 1:11, 12:34... Etc. Repetitive numbers on clocks and how it meant that you are on the right path in life if you constantly see these numbers. I myself believe in spirituality and that the universe has a plan and all of that kind of stuff but I am also a logical person so I don't always believe everything. I can be skeptical sometimes. I read those links and moved on. I didn't read too much into it. Now, something about myself... I have never really felt like I was where I was meant to be. I've lived in a lot of different town/cities both on and off of this island. I've tried new things and moved and tried new things again. I've lived in Vancouver and worked at a busy Cactus Club and did the city thing and I've lived in Ladysmith and lived the small town life to the fullest (which I still do from time to time), but no place or person ever felt like home. (Besides my aunt.) In all that searching, I would always just end up back in my parents house. Back to square one. When Robin was sick, I moved home. I needed to be with her. I worked a couple of jobs but they never lasted because I really just wanted to be in bed next to her and I don't regret that decision. But after she left, I decided that this is my time to make my life everything I've always wanted it to be. Nothing was holding me back and there was no reason I couldn't take a leap of faith... But the difference was, it was going to last this time.

So, I moved back to the only city that has ever felt like home since I moved out of my hometown. I moved into a cute little apartment by myself that I'm in love with and I even got my dream job. I made absolutely incredible friends who I now consider family... And aside from this being the hardest year of my life, it has absolutely been the best year of my life. There have been rocky moments but where I am now is worth it all.

Now, back to the 11:11 thing... Last month I started noticing that I would see 11:11 on the clock here or there which I never did before. I thought nothing of it. But as the days went on, I would see 11:11/1:11 sometimes four times daily. The other day, I saw 11:11 on a broken clock when it wasn't even 11:11. It is everywhere. There are no coincidences. These things happen all around us if you believe and if you pay attention. This one is big for me though. For me, this one is Robin saying... You're doing it all right. I'm proud of you. Because this girl used to come to my house and clean once a month. This girl used to cook me frozen dinners so I wouldn't have to do it myself. This girl moved me to a new city... The very city that I consider home now. This girl got me my first job and helped me become an adult. So I know that even from Heaven or wherever she is, she is looking at me and thinking that I'm exactly where I should be and that maybe she doesn't have to worry so much anymore. I'm gonna be just fine.

8/16/15 - 1:51 AM

This tragedy brings out every emotion in me at one time or another. Sometimes I feel proud of her and her strength. Sometimes I'm angry that she's gone. Sometimes I feel happy and lucky that I have an angel watching over me. Sometimes I get sad. And sometimes this absolutely devastating feeling overwhelms me and my eyes widen and I lose my breath because she is gone. She is gone and the smell of her house is gone and the way she makes pasta is gone and we don't get to make her bed together and I don't have to be annoyed at her nightlight anymore and we don't get to watch the kitties find their bedtime spots and I don't get to heat up a blanket for her or give her a mani/pedi even though I despise doing nails or bring her a snuggly kitty when she needs love or look her in the eye with that look of... "We're doing this, aren't we?". All of those things and so many more have brought me to this moment so many times. Today it's the weather. We're still in the dead of summer but it looks like fall outside of my window. It's probably going to rain so I put on my jacket and when I walk out the door, cold air hits my face. The last time I felt this air, she was in the fight of her life and I thought of nothing but her. I went to work and counted the seconds until I was home with her. I would go to a party or to Vancouver and wonder why I even left. The turning leaves and the cold air make me think of her house with the heater blasting and tea in our his and hers teacups (lol). Snuggling with her fur babies and making dinner together. Her fall decorations came out before the kids were even back in school and even though her house was warm we would share a blanket and snuggle up on the couch. (Without actually touching of course.) I'm sure these moments become fewer and farther between but I doubt they become any easier. Sometimes, like tonight, I just wanna go home to my aunties house and find a spot in her bed amidst all the snuggly cats and listen to the fan I hate and stare at the nightlight I hate and smell her Blistex and mouthwash that smells like Robin and nana both and wake up and do this life all over again with her... And sometimes I just wish I was dancing in the sky with you.

To Heaven; via Balloon

Seven months later... It is still hard every day

My life has never been better, thanks to you I'm sure...

...But I can't even begin to express how much I need you in my life

This sucks and I hate it.



Even though I don't always feel you, thank you for staying

I know you're always with me even when I don't see signs


I love you more than you knew... I'm sure you know now

Come visit me in my dreams soon


PS Thanks for teaching me to be the best auntie in the world (after you of course)

Jax and Brody and all our babies are the loves of my life...
And now we get to love on Meagan and Kanisha's babies too.
I truly learned it from the best.

Love, your unofficial baby sister

XO, Riah

Okay...

So, I have been avoiding the movie "The Fault In Our Stars" for quite some time. I guess I was scared it would hit too close to home or it would ruin my life and I would never be the same and wish I hadn't watched it. One of those things is true. It hit so close to home, it may as well have blown my home into a million little pieces. In this movie, from the first minute to the last minute, there are nothing but profound and truthful moments and words. John Green, unfortunately, understands cancer all too well. The one that got me the moment it was said and that I couldn't stop thinking about even after the movie was long over... "The Last Good Day".

“There’s no way of knowing that your last good day is Your Last Good Day. At the time, it is just another good day.”

It's hard to remember because looking back, it's all just a blur, but I believe Robin's last good day was a Monday. December 1, 2014. Just five days before she left us. Our favorite cousin, (sorry other cousins), Emily came over for a movie night and a sleepover. Those days, Robin was not excited much. She didn't want to eat dinner. She didn't want to make a joke or hear a joke or laugh with us anymore. Emily always put a smile on her face, though. The way Robin is my sister is the same way that Emily is her sister, too. We always had kind of a tough time actually deciding on a movie, but it was a no brainer that it would be a Christmas movie. We settled on Jack Frost. I had maybe watched it once or twice as a kid with her but it always stuck in my mind as a movie that made me think of her. I think we had homemade burgers for dinner. Robin never wanted to eat but Emily made a plate and Robin shockingly shared with her. They held hands and we quietly watched Jack Frost. I did not leave my post, right next to her. I never did unless I HAD to. I remember my mom talking about The Last Good Day in the next day or two after that. I remember asking her... "When do you think it will be?" "I think that was it." And that was the moment I knew. That was her Last Good Day.

You will never know that it's the last good day. As Hazel Grace says, "at the time, it's just another good day." But as the next few days passed and she couldn't leave her bed, and then she couldn't speak, and then she could hardly look at us for more than a second, it became blatantly clear... That was the Last Good Day. Had we known, we would have done more. We would have said more. We would have loved more (if that were even possible). But we didn't, and you can't know. So take every good day for what it is, because you never know if it's the last one.

How Can We Not Talk About Family When Family's All That We Got

Midnight panic attacks are never fun. They don't come often and they probably can't properly be described as a panic attack but for a moment I'm taken aback and I lose my breath and tears stream down my face. Just for a moment though, when I realize you're not coming back. They come when I get excited to come home and see you or when I'm at our old familiar places or when I get lost on your Facebook and I can hear your voice in your status updates and forget that it's not 2013 and you're not going to respond to my comment. I get as far back as three or four years and I see something funny so instinct still tells me to text you and make fun of you. They come when I realize I haven't seen your face in almost six months... When I realize I haven't seen you happy and well in almost a year, and when I realize that six months is a number that's going to keep growing for six years and sixteen years and sixty years and forever. No one tells you about the midnight panic attacks. They tell you that life will be harder to live and they tell you how unfair it is and they tell you how you'll never stop missing them but no one tells you what's real. And what's real is that life day to day is easy. We live and we smile and laugh and dance and work and we play but then midnight rolls around and you have something funny to say or you need to talk to the one person who just gets you and you almost say it until you realize... Oh yeah, she's gone.

Almost Everything I Wish I'd Said The Last Time I Saw You

I almost wrote this on your Facebook wall but I didn't. It's not for anyone else but you. I'd mail this to Heaven if I could.

I'm not ready for it to be May yet. You were diagnosed in May. That day and that phone call don't seem far away. I cried and called Miranda and then I was on the first bus to your new house. You picked me up and I remember the car ride feeling awkward. I'll never know why. You were still you. That weekend we were all there. It was a typical weekend but there was a silence and a sickness about it. We knew that the unthinkable was about to happen to you, but we didn't know what that meant yet. We couldn't have dreamed in our wildest dreams what was about to happen to you and how our lives would fall apart. I left with my head held high. I never cried, I never thought twice about whether you would live. You stayed strong, you never made me feel like I had anything to worry about. I told you "it's scary, but I know you'll be okay." I meant that and I felt it until December 1st. That's when we knew it was all over.

I'm not ready for my first summer without you. I live my life without you and I never hesitate. I have sad moments but I keep going because you would want that and I know you're always right beside me. I have fun and I never feel guilty but summer was ours since I could walk and I don't want to do this one or any of them without you. Super Soaker Twister in the backyard even though I was a baby and a cheater and annoying and you probably didn't wanna let me play. You always did anyway. Canoe rides with papa until we were old enough to go by ourselves. One thing never changed, me being a baby, scared of everything. Me being annoying and making you do all the work. (I see a pattern here.) You loved me anyway. We could literally spend hours barefoot on our beach turning over rocks to look for crabs, (you holding them, me being a baby as per usual), We were ocean babies, barefoot sisters running wild on Rumble Road. Water balloon fights and forest adventures. We had quite the childhood. I needed you then and I need you now. I will dance barefoot on the beach every summer for you but I'll never be able to stop my heart from needing you beside me. And you better believe I will celebrate your birthday harder than my 19th. (Maybe God knows what actually happened that night, you should ask him.)

Stay with me. I love you. I wish you were here. I wish you were right beside me in this bed smelling like Blistex and mouthwash, cuddling kitties. I wonder if there's an ocean in Heaven? If there is, we'll find it. See you there.

Cancer Takes Everything

Something you all might not know about cancer... It takes EVERYTHING. No matter how positive and strong you are, it slowly and eventually takes everything from you. It takes your integrity, your sense of humor, your privacy, your body, your mind, your hair, your memory, your appetite, your vocabulary and your spirit. It takes so much more than that too. Things you'll never understand unless you yourself are faced with that terrible reality. I read this poem on Facebook today. It's an Alzheimer's poem and it describes things from an Alzheimer's patients point of view. I read it and immediately burst into tears because, little do people know, this is what eventually happens to people with terminal cancer. This is the end. This is heartbreaking but this is the level of love and patience that I had for my beautiful auntie even when she could hardly say my name. I would do it all over again every single day of my life. I would never give up on her. It's hard for people to understand the reality of cancer and what it really takes from the sick ones and the loved ones alike. There are things you'll never understand about our/Robbie's journey but this will give you a little insight on just how hard things can get. One thing you should know though is that even though this is what became of our angel near her final days here on Earth with us, she would have suffered through it for as long as she had to if it meant she could stay with us.