When You Lose Something You Can't Replace...

I guess people think they understand what it's like for us, or for me, to lose Robin but I don't think they do. Sometimes I get frustrated with other people who I know can't possibly miss her as much as I do and sometimes I can't look at her Facebook page because it's hard to see other people grieving when I feel like she's mine. I think that no one can understand what it's like to watch your auntie/sister slowly get sicker and weaker and finally be forced to give up even though she does NOT want to go. I don't think they know how it feels to be willing to do anything, to give ANYTHING to let her live. Even my own life. I don't think they understand how it feels to be so genuinely filled with blind hope and really believe that she will pull through until the moment you realize... She can't anymore. I don't think they know how much you have to love someone to prepare their body and do their makeup the way they liked it after they're gone. And most importantly, I don't think anyone can understand how it feels to lose the ONLY sunshine in your life. My darkest days and my hardest moments (whether she knew it or not) only came to light when I saw her face or heard her voice. Her home was my safe haven and my place to refresh and hide out... And she never complained about my week-long stays. These are never things we talked about but I know she knew. There's honestly no one in my life who ever felt more like home than her and I don't think I'll ever have that again. The frustration of not being able to go to Heaven to see her is the worst feeling I've ever felt.

One time when we were little, maybe we were 6 and 12, I came over to my nana and papa's house and was greeted my Robin running into my arms screaming "I had the most terrible nightmare ever! There was a man chasing you, trying to get you and I tried to save you and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't. NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!" Well, that dream is all too real now. I wish this was just a dream. I wish I could have saved her so badly but more than that I wish I could wake up and run into her arms screaming "I had the most terrible nightmare EVER!!!"

My Only One, Just Like The Morning Sun

Say what you will about Kanye but this song is a direct line to my heart... I can't wait for the life Robin is gonna lay out for me. I know she talks to God about me and I know that if she can't be here to influence my life, she's gonna do it from Heaven and any angels I'm blessed with will be sent by their Auntie Robbie. On days like today when I look back one year and remember that I stayed with her for two weeks and we spent Valentines Day on a sushi/Brew Pub date, I need songs like this. This is what art is for. Other people's pain and passion turned into something beautiful to show the rest of us we're not alone and to remind us of the silver lining. But God, I can't wait to get to Robbie's house one day.

"And next time when I look in your eyes

We'll have wings and we'll fly"

It Doesn't Feel Like Almost Two Months.

In honor of our favorite song to cry to as kids. Never thought it would be so relevant. Miss you. Wish you were here.

Oh where, oh where, can my baby be? 
The Lord took her away from me.
She's gone to heaven so I've got to be good, 
So I can see my baby when I leave this world