Two Years

Right now, two years ago I was laying on the floor of the living room trying to sleep with my whole family next to me because we knew this was the end and that was the closest we could get to Robin. I remember drifting in and out of sleep every few minutes because I was afraid I'd fall asleep and not get to say my last goodbye. I woke up in a panic on the morning of December 6th asking if anything had happened and being told I should go in there and say goodbye because it would be anytime now. I didn't leave her side until she was gone and they took her away. I really lost everything that day. I lost my auntie, my protector, my sister, my comfort zone, and what was supposed to be my lifelong built in best friend. This year all I've been able to think about is how much I've grown up and how I'm unintentionally turning into her. We would have had such a good time together in this stage of our life and I don't think my heart will ever not be broken over the fact that I won't see her or laugh with her or have fun with her or lay in bed with her again until the day I become an angel too. I just really wish we could have done something to keep her.

On A Different Note...

I have so many midnight rambling notes in my phone about missing my aunt and heartbreak and life but I thought I'd make a slight change to this blog to make it a little more positive. I'll always have things to say about the loss of my aunt but as the years and months pass and I have less to say, I still want to be able to post on this blog. Obviously I won't stop writing about Robin but I love this blog too much to post so irregularly. What prompted me to start this new wave is this thing I saw on Twitter.



I feel like for some of you all you know of me is Robin and my loss, etc. When I saw that I went into my photos and started building a little album of my favourite things in my phone. I don't really get the whole "aesthetic" thing but I do know that as I gathered photos that made me feel like me, all my favourite photos, I realized that looking back on my life even the past couple of years, it's been so carefree and fun and happy. It's been so genuine. So here are a few of my favourite things, most of my favourite people and a few of my favourite moments inspired by just looking through my photos and realizing how lucky I am and how blessed I am in my life.

 

June/2016

I've never really been that close with my family. That's not really something that I hide, it's actually a pretty well known fact about me. I love them but I've always kind of been the odd man out and done my own thing. Tomorrow I'm 23 years old. This is the second birthday I've had without Robin. I'm finding myself more now than ever making it a point to spend more time with my family but I often get frustrated because these are the years I should have had with Robin. I'm finally living in a stable place that I love and working at an amazing job that I love and I feel settled. She should be here. She's the one I wanna call on my birthday hangover to come make dinner and watch movies with me. For years her house was my safe haven and I'd always go there to relax and get away and just be comfortable. Now I have my own and I really wanna share it with her. I know, I know... "She's here." And yes, I believe she's with me but it's not the same as if I could call her up and ask her to come hang out with me so I could give back to her what she once did for me. Maybe her spirit finds comfort in being with me in my home now but I just wish she could walk through the door and sit on the couch and pick a stupid sci-fi movie that I hate and hang out with me because I have a feeling that these would have been the years we became best friends and it's just so sad that we'll never have that.

We Survive

When you imagine someone close to you dying, or at least when I would imagine it, I always thought I would never move on from it. I always imagined I would either die or I would be stuck in this sad sad place of depression and never be able to go on with my life like normal. You think it would stop everything. But it doesn't. You cry yourself to sleep that night and maybe cry yourself out. And then you sleep because it's night time and you're tired and you wake up because it's a new day and the world didn't stop... Only yours did. And slowly days pass and weeks pass until it's been months or years and you know what you come to realize? We survive. We find this supernatural strength inside us to cook dinner and laugh at cute babies and put up the Christmas decorations and get back to real life. One day you'll look up and it'll be closing in on two years... One day it'll be ten, without someone or something that you thought would end you if you lost it.

Last month we lost a boy from my hometown just shy of his 24th birthday. The other day a girl I've known almost my whole life lost her sister... People always ask my perspective on these things.

My heart is broken that I'll never see Jake's smiling face again on Eve's Eve and that his poor family has lost whom I can only imagine was a ray of sunshine in their lives.

I am devastated for the Whitelaw family but for Nicole in particular because I know the indescribable feeling of losing a sister.

Those families will never be the same. You can't imagine what it does to a family to lose part of the glue holding them together. But my perspective on it is that we will all be okay. We survive because the world doesn't stop. Your world will stop and you won't be okay, but one day, you will. We survive because they would want us to. We survive to live the lives they didn't get to. We survive because they are watching over us. We survive because one day, when we get to Heaven, they will be there to greet us and it will be that much sweeter. We survive.

Please Don't Leave Me

I've always been a nostalgic person. Forever missing what is gone and wishing I could go back in time. These days, nostalgia is so different for me. I see the Fuller House commercials and I miss Full House and I wish I could go be four again at nana and papas house in the summer running in between the backyard in the sprinkler and the house watching old shows like Full House and then I remember "with my auntie" and then it all goes downhill because now I realize I can't just watch a Full House episode to make myself feel better. I lost the one consistent part of my childhood. The one person in every memory. So I just let my mind go numb and stop missing those days because nothing I could ever do will make my life feel normal again. My family will never be the same. My summers will never be the same. My life has had to change and erase this person from all my new memories that she should be a part of. My happy childhood memories go black, as dark as it sounds. I let them fade out. I don't wanna remember a time when I was so blissfully happy because I think I'll never feel that way again. I lost everything the day I lost her.