I'll Spend My Whole Life Trying To Put It Into Words

You know that feeling when a baby looks at you and it's like you're their whole world and they love you unconditionally and they know they can just trust you? When my auntie was really sick, that's how she looked at me. She generally listened to my mom. My mom took care of her and she usually knew just what to say to make Robin understand when we needed to do something or we needed to make a decision, big or small. But sometimes... There was a way about my softspoken voice and an unthreatening manner about the fact that I was and had always always always been on her side for our whole lives that if mom couldn't make her understand, I could. Sometimes she just didn't wanna hear it from the person who had all the rules and all the medicine and had to make all the tough calls. That's where I came in. And let me tell you as much as I wish we didn't have to make any decisions or talk about any of those things, it sure felt good to look her in the eyes after she'd refused mom over and over and say "hey... I know we don't wanna do this but you know I'd only be telling you this if it was really important. Do you think maybe we could talk about it?" and have her think for a minute and go... "Yeah... Okay." To look her in the eyes with true love and give her a reassuring nod and have that change her mind and help her understand... That was amazing.
There were days when she didn't wanna see friends or that she didn't understand that a friend was coming to say goodbye when only I could be the voice of reason. When she didn't want anymore motherfucking medicine and only I could talk her into it. Of course she always listened to mom but sometimes she only wanted to hear it from me. I have never felt more loved than that.

There were times... Those last four days... She couldn't talk. She could barely lay there for that matter... And friends and family would come in to talk to her for those last few times. She could hear and she could understand but she couldn't respond. I know her, that killed her. She would have wanted to participate in everything we were doing outside of her room or at least to have those final conversations. That was the last sisterly thing I did for Robin. I was lucky enough to get to know almost every side of her in our 21 years (there were many) so I sat next to her in bed and "responded" the way Robin would have wanted to. Made the jokes Robin would have made. Helped her be present in a moment when she was almost already gone.

If you're ever questioning true, unconditional love... This is my definition.

Hello From The Other Side

Maybe on this day last year and maybe on one just like it, I set my bed up the long way so that myself, my sisters and my cousin Bella could all fit. We picked a happy movie and we cuddled in. We didn't really fit still but it didn't matter. We were together. We were sisters, all four of us. Our moms were an hour away in a hospital room with our Auntie Robbie, taking care of her, being there for her, and praying for her. I read our angel cards. (Similar to tarot cards, angel cards let you know what path lies ahead and which angels are with you.) I got good at reading them for myself and my family and the cards we constantly pulled were celebration, nature, and Archangel Michael. Then we said a prayer. We aren't a religious family and we don't pray before meals but in those moments, we wanted the girls to know how important it is to pray to God, or the universe, or whatever/whomever is out there, especially in hard times and we were willing to do anything to save her. Bella, forever terrified of prayers and anything supernatural, screamed and covered her ears (lol), and me and my sisters prayed. We prayed for Auntie Robbie to come home. We prayed for her to feel better and to get better... For her to be our Auntie Robbie again, like she used to be. Then they all proceeded to stretch out as wide as they could and take over my bed. I barely fit but I didn`t have the heart to leave them that night because they missed their moms and we missed our auntie and they needed me.

Tonight, I`m alone in my apartment. I made a bed on my living room floor wishing that Robin was here making dinner and making a floor bed and snuggling her million cats with me. I turned on the kids movie Inside Out because we loved watching kids movies and I miss our traditions. These are things I have to do alone now. This year, I am reliving all of these memories alone. This year my sisters don't snuggle into my bed and I don`t sleep on the living room floor just steps away from Robbie`s room. My heart isn`t full of hope and prayers like last year and my house isn`t quite as warm as my parents house.

Two days ago a medium came to my house. She sat down and read my aura... And just as suddenly as she started, she stopped and said... "I can`t avoid this any longer. Your aunt is here. She is dancing around in front of me and she doesn`t want me to talk about the colors anymore. She wants to talk to you. She has so much to tell you that she`s saying so many different things to me, I don`t even know where to start." You don`t have to believe in these things, but I do. And I can tell you that the things this person said to me were unbelievably real. They were things she couldn`t just know. I talked to my auntie two days ago for the first time in a little less than a year and my heart is so full.

Everyday this year has been "one year later" and today is no different. The only difference is, on this day, one year later, I have never felt my auntie's presence so strongly. I have never been more sure of her signs. I have never been more comfortable in an empty bed as I am knowing that if I ask her to sleep next to me, she is there. And I have never missed her more.