8/16/15 - 1:51 AM

This tragedy brings out every emotion in me at one time or another. Sometimes I feel proud of her and her strength. Sometimes I'm angry that she's gone. Sometimes I feel happy and lucky that I have an angel watching over me. Sometimes I get sad. And sometimes this absolutely devastating feeling overwhelms me and my eyes widen and I lose my breath because she is gone. She is gone and the smell of her house is gone and the way she makes pasta is gone and we don't get to make her bed together and I don't have to be annoyed at her nightlight anymore and we don't get to watch the kitties find their bedtime spots and I don't get to heat up a blanket for her or give her a mani/pedi even though I despise doing nails or bring her a snuggly kitty when she needs love or look her in the eye with that look of... "We're doing this, aren't we?". All of those things and so many more have brought me to this moment so many times. Today it's the weather. We're still in the dead of summer but it looks like fall outside of my window. It's probably going to rain so I put on my jacket and when I walk out the door, cold air hits my face. The last time I felt this air, she was in the fight of her life and I thought of nothing but her. I went to work and counted the seconds until I was home with her. I would go to a party or to Vancouver and wonder why I even left. The turning leaves and the cold air make me think of her house with the heater blasting and tea in our his and hers teacups (lol). Snuggling with her fur babies and making dinner together. Her fall decorations came out before the kids were even back in school and even though her house was warm we would share a blanket and snuggle up on the couch. (Without actually touching of course.) I'm sure these moments become fewer and farther between but I doubt they become any easier. Sometimes, like tonight, I just wanna go home to my aunties house and find a spot in her bed amidst all the snuggly cats and listen to the fan I hate and stare at the nightlight I hate and smell her Blistex and mouthwash that smells like Robin and nana both and wake up and do this life all over again with her... And sometimes I just wish I was dancing in the sky with you.